Planet Rodeo


Planet Rodeo

Group Nine • Sci-Fi / A rodeo / A body bag

Synopsis: Enjoy the sights, sounds, and smells as lifestyle reporters Chuck Maverick and Jake Jersey take us behind the scenes of the most anticipated annual event in the galaxy. 


 First Night of Planet Rodeo a Gory Success

Chuck Maverick & Jake Jersey, Bovine Lifestyle Press

Sol System, Planet Three, Milky Way—The crowds were so thick at the opening of this year’s Planet Rodeo (PR) you could hear the lowing over the landing craft as attendees from all reaches of the galaxy herded in for day one of the post-colonization festival celebrating beef and brawn. Culinary treats and culture abound, each day ending with a series of Ride challenges ultimately culminating in the SuperBull!

The line at the gates was long but with the improvements to ticketing made in the off-season, it moved quickly. Kudos to the logistics team!

Upon entering we were engulfed in the aroma of crackling long-pig. We decided to just graze, reserving our appetites for the after-Ride feasts. We snacked on crisped corn and deep-fried alfalfa served trough-style in a commemorative lanyard.

“It’s always nice to get a peek at your dinner beforehand,” said Veally Good™ owner Gia Guernsey with a tongue-y smile, “To make sure they don’t have ringworm or, heaven forbid, Mad-human disease.”

Gia was absolutely right. While Cowboys with the rare brain-eating amoeba make especially interesting competitors, you definitely want them bagged—not bar-b-qued—as we learned a few years back when several Rodeo-goers took ill and had to be quarantined after the events. That loss of life cast a sad shadow over the Beta Lupi games, but did lead to improved pre-ring testing. Still, better safe than sorry!

Daytime at Planet Rodeo is a great opportunity to check out vendors and artisans before the evening stampede. We watched laser horn etching by MooTube™ sensation Żubroń Stud and spent time in the Kobe Hut getting a rejuvenating beer massage. We followed that up with some henna branding—I got tons of compliments on mine, I might just make it permanent. (Just kidding!  Mrs. Maverick would have my hide!)

Jake spent time browsing horn enhancements at BosDoc’s. I told him his horns are plenty impressive, but you know how the short-horn breeds are. Chat him on CowTalk about your horn enhancement: @TheWhirleyJersey.

PR President David Hasslehoof joined us at the Canine Companions tent for a bit of a chin-wag.

“This bicentennial is a tremendous achievement!  We’ve brought it full circle—back to the home planet—where human-bovine relations originally went sour!  When scholars suggested Sol-3, we didn’t think it was doable. After a reconnaissance mission determined a high probability of victory, we thought, let’s go for it! We touched down in Tex-Ass, and after a rough invasion, we’re happy to welcome all Space Cattle (Scattle, Et al.) to Planet Rodeo!”

We asked Hasslehoof about the local culture and were delighted to hear that the humans of Tex-Ass love a good Rodeo!

 “Not only did the humans have some great culture worth appropriating, but we tripled the arena count over last year!”

With this exciting information, we detoured to the Cowboy districts.  We took our time, perusing the prime humans tagged for competition, and the others, which will be scrapped for hair, nails, and calcium. Jake and I always find the different shapes and colors of the humans so fascinating. The smell is a bit off-putting, and invariably you have a few silly calves complaining about the cruelty, but it didn’t distract from our enjoyment a bit. Nothing like getting into it with a vegan at a Rodeo!

As the afternoon waned, we finally put our press passes to work and gained access to the main stars of the evening. We found Jimmy Bullock laying polish to his freshly sharpened horns, while Janey Jersey (no relation) was dipping her massive implants in fast-set steel. Deadly!

Inserting a pink nose-ring in honor of Udder Cancer Awareness was Heck Hector, back for the first time after the loss of his cow a few years ago. Get those bubbies checked!

The plunk of the warning bell was a welcome signal that it was time to find our seats for the first round of Ride, the eight-second Cowboy challenges. Our seats were choice, and I encourage all our readers to splurge on a spot close to the action. It’s worth it! Cowboy #1 was whipped off in four seconds and gored right under our noses!  His whimpers were highly entertaining and you’d never hear them past the tenth row.

It was a great start to an incredible evening. Cowboy #2 was bucked at twelve seconds and he must have been diseased because three-time SuperBull champion Angus Goodstock had to impale and trample him to get him quiet. Our theory was confirmed when the clowns rolled him into a bleach-lined body-bag instead of the black Bos-Taurus Famous Dry Rub Marinating Sack™.

After some sanitation of the take-down area, we got to watch a surprising match-up between a mammaried Cowboy and a Freemartin. Usually not ones to compete, this turned out to be one of the highlights of the evening. The underbuck stole the show, and our hearts, when they unseated the rider in three neat bucks. Keep your eyes on this one, friends! When that Cowboy was rolled up in dry rub, Jake leaned in and said, “She looks like prime eatin’. Nice n’ marbled.”

We managed to snag some on our way out and weren’t disappointed!  Juicy, with an incredible char!

Fortunately, we’d done most of our ruminating before running into famous protester Stocker Channing, and his formation of Heiferettes, decrying the games as nothing more than glorified executions.

Cries of “Ro-de-don’t!” and, “Cowboys are Cows too!” rang out into the evening.

In the interest of presenting balanced news, we stopped Channing for a statement.

“This disgusting ritual of slaughterhouse celebrations should end! We’ve had the upper hoof on the humans for generations now, and it’s time for these archaic grievances to be put to rest!”

Jake—oblivious as usual and eyeing Channing’s impressive rack—asked, “Are those your real horns?”

Sadly, these reporters went home without an answer.

Looking forward to day two!  See you there!





{1865}  Definitely a fun streak of corporate sci-fi satire here. A lot of fun.  

{1844}  This is a fun piece with solid writing and a lot of humor throughout. The tone was consistent and exposition about the world is handled well.  

{1751}  I loved the humor and parody of this story as describing a rodeo written by cows; its inventive and adorable, and in a lot of ways, very political when it comes to animal/human relationships. Great job.  


{1865}  The ending left a bit to be desired. I was hoping for a more complete, stand-alone story, but I don’t see how that could be changed due to the story’s framework. Still, a good story.  

{1844}  The story doesn’t involve any growth or change in the main character, so consider making it a shorter piece. Look for places that repeat the character’s observations and consider pruning.  

{1751}  But I will say this; some of the more intense moments, such as the diseased Cowboy and the mention of longpig started to break the level of humor and start to feel obscene. Satire and sarcasm is really subjective, but you might consider toning that down. However, this is only a suggestion.


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